~ The Vampire Diaries ~

Damon Salvatore

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In response to Lexi's question
Lexi: Tell me about you and me, Damon. From the time we met, until our most recent encounter and without your usual glib, sarcastic, gloss-over-the-raw humanity-parts tendencies. Tell me our story in your words, from your point of view, and with honesty.

There had never been a solid me-and-you, my darling Lex. When I met you for the first time, it was a daring moment in my life, right after I had been wrung out and hadn't completely restored myself to any remotely social state. Also, I had been particularly upset with my brother who had been the one driving me away in the beginning with all his vampiric shenanigans. Last time I saw him he was almost a lost cause, something I didn't have in me to repair or even shake any sense into. And here he was, all right, well and thriving with a pretty, powerful blonde by his side who apparently was fond of him and had a gang of her own to command. What do you think I felt for you then? I was angry. With everything. Not directly with you, but for sure with my brother - my world crumbled down around me, and he floated on top of the wave. With a girl. As if that was not enough, he had another one at his feet, hanging upon his lips. The very daughter of my captor. That all tipped me over. I hated you, in a sense - as a part of my brother's supernatural luck I wished I had at least a part of. But nonetheless, you remained in my memory as the one who saved him when I couldn't get a grip of myself. Even while plunging the stake into his chest, I was aware of what a great mistake I was making, of how little of the real me was present to halt my hand. Which you managed to do for the both of us. It wasn’t just Stefan’s life you saved when you stopped me – my life would have had no meaning whatsoever if he died. I wasn’t fond of you, but was grateful you were there for him. I trusted you’d protect him and do a better job with it than I could.
When we met in New York, I still wasn’t fond of you much. But I never forgot what I owed you. I tried to pay you back by saving you from that tomb along with my brother. And I left you together again because I didn’t trust myself to be what he needed me to be. I trusted, though, that you were enough to fill in the slot.
Later, during the decades that passed, I learned that slot was never really filled. Not by anyone. Stefan still ended up on my way, here and there, sooner or later. It felt good, actually. Deep down, it was something that kept me going, along with the hope for personal happiness I never gave up.
When I finally felt myself standing firmer on my both feet and fate sent Stefan on my way, I felt I really could start trying to get him back, to get us back as brothers we used to be. I missed him more than I ever let anyone know and barely allowed myself to admit inside, but there at that bar I looked into his eyes and knew it with all the clarity. I needed my brother back. But you decided to come to the rescue again, but this time I didn’t expect it. At that moment of time I wasn’t holding on to anything negative concerning you, anymore. I came to respect you and fully realize my gratitude for looking after my brother for all these decades. I looked at you as such, as my brother’s guardian angel, and I trusted you. When you said I couldn’t come because I’d make him snap off the rails, that trust I built for you played an ill joke on me. Somehow I ended up trusting you more than I knew deep down for myself. And when I watched Stefan go without me, I felt it was wrong, but I never went after him. Because for a long time your words burned brighter in my mind than my own judgment. After that day I swore to myself I’d never let my own heart down for anyone, especially when my brother was concerned.
If you wonder whether I felt anything during that time of fun in New York, I can tell you I did. Despite the lack of emotions and muffled feelings in general due to my personal reasons I’m sure you might have been aware of back then or now, I did feel something. I had fun, I felt pleased with how differently you regarded me after I made you believe I fell in love. I wasn’t in love with you – I was generally still upset with that last incident. But, aside from that, I never killed the spark of gratitude in me for everything you’d ever done for Stefan when I wasn’t by his side. I could’ve killed you if I really wanted to – you were right where I wanted you – and I didn’t.
Yes, I liked you as a woman. You were one of those standing out, the ones I never forgot. But that bitter residue of you placing yourself between me and Stefan was swelling on the bottom of my soul, spoiling the rest of the water. By the time you showed up in Mystic Falls, I was adamant at not letting anything like that happen again. I did plan your demise. But till the last moment I wasn’t utterly sure I was going to pull it off. I probed you so and so since you came to our house, watching my own inner reactions. You were a colder bitch than when I had first met you – and you had your reasons, no doubt – but it pushed me in the direction I picked. When I faced you with a stake, I was ready, holding every little to grand thing that I hated about you and your influence at the surface, close to me, so it gave me the momentum to end your life. In a sense, I believed, the most important part of my life was taken from me by your judgment. And you know me. I get even. So I did as I could – to kill two birds with one stone, too, and gain a more solid place for both Stefan and I in the town that was our motherland once. In a faintly twisted way, you became our ticket for homecoming.
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